A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son."
Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
Bread
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
A fireman came home from work and told his wife, "We have a great system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Then Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're all set to go on the trucks."
"From now on," he continued, "this house will be run the same way. When I say Bell 1, you're to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, you jump into bed and when I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."
When he came home the next night, he yelled Bell 1 and his wife took off her clothes.
Then he yelled Bell 2 and his wife jumped into bed.
He then yelled Bell 3 and they began to make love.
After a few minutes, his wife shouted, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" he asked.
"More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!" she replied.
Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoyed reading the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas.
But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him.
Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
....."Born a Jew
......Raised a Jew
......Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening.
But the next Friday evening, neighbors sat down to eat fish and were disturbed by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew that he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling catchup on the beef saying,
......"Born a cow
......Raised a cow
...... Now a fish."
